I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
