I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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