Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
