thus making me awesome and them whores
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
