i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
