There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
