I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
