my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
