there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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