is your mom at the bar?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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