Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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