he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
