I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
