i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
