Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
