I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
