my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Blood and glitter go together right?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
