I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
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I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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