everyone is single if you try hard enough
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
