Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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