we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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