I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
