Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
