Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
