I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
