Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
