I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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