im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
This is the prime rib incident all over again
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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