Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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