why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
