What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
