Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
