I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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