Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
