i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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