highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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