Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
should my penis look like a turkey
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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