In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
