I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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