He kissed a someone with a penis
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Too much gin, very little bucket
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
