Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
