Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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