Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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