i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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