I cannot find my penis.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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