If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
