As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I deserve this hangover.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
