It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
