I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
