im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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