Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
