Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
you inspire me to be a worse person
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
