How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
