I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
