i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
