She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I supernannyed him into submission
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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