??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
